Most of the folks I have conversed with also say, “it gets easier over time, but in 1 second, it seems like yesterday”. That is how quick and easy our moms come back to us. All their nurturing is not forgotten. No matter how long it has been or how much notice/warning you had before your mom died, it always hurts . . . THE WORST.

My mom was a VERY strong matriarch. She was the glue for the entire clan, and without that glue things come undone. Fighting to breathe for so many years, got her so tired. Facing that basket of meds. all day, every day and those steroids with their horrid side effects, it was just too much. It seems like she herself was coming undone, unglued, dying does that to a person I guess. All the joy had been sucked out of her. Watching her suffer to breathe, listening to the sound of the COPD ravage her, pining away when I wasn’t with her, definitely got me undone.

In the years before she died, when she would ask what it will be like for me, after she is gone – I told her “ MOM, nothing will EVER be the same. As we both know, after Robbie died (my little brother who was killed when he was just 16), the sun DID come out, time went by, life goes on. At the time we were nearly SHOCKED at that. A CHILD had gone before ALL of us. The only boy, the BABY boy, the youngest in our family. However, nothing will compare to you dying mom. My life will NEVER be the same.”  Each time it came up, I could hardly complete that story. I’d get choked up and the tears poured. It was all I could do to look at her, as I knew it would be like looking in a mirror. At that moment, she was in the same condition that I was, together . . . we were undone.

Another story I told her, which intrigued her clever and curious mind  (and was a clear illustration of coming undone AND my LOVE for her), was about one of the MANY times she was in critical condition. She was in lifesaving surgery at Barnes in St. Louis and I was trying to take my mind off not being able to be there with her. I was out at Chicago’s Museum Campus  and it was a clear, sunny day. I LITERALLY took thousands of photos. Except that EVERYTHING I saw was in BLACK AND WHITE. I couldn’t see color. I was out of my mind!

When I got home, my face was sunburned from wandering aimlessly, shooting photos of Chicago landscapes and landmarks all day. Festering, stewing and worrying myself into a BLACK and WHITE stupor had taken its toll. My mom did not want me to worry, about her, about anything, EVER – but it is my SPECIALTY, and look what happened to me because of it.

Color only came back to my world after learning that my mom was “okay”. Her life was to continue and the relief was intense. I had done what she would want me to if I could not be with her. “ Work on something you enjoy, be positive, stay active”, and she was happy to hear that part. The photos came out beautifully, ALL of them WERE in color. It was one of the best photo shoots I have been on, to this day. Mom got to see those photos and was very impressed.

Undun by The Guess Who
She’s come undun
She didn’t know what she was headed for
And when I found what she was headed for
It was too late

She’s come undun
She found a mountain that was far too high
And when she found out she couldn’t fly
It was too late

It’s too late
She’s gone too far
She’s lost the sun

She’s come undun
She wanted truth but all she got was lies
Came the time to realize
And it was too late

She’s come undun
She didn’t know what she was headed for
And when I found what she was headed for
Mama, it was too late

It’s too late
She’s gone too far
She’s lost the sun
She’s come undun

Too many mountains, and not enough stairs to climb
Too many churches and not enough truth
Too many people and not enough eyes to see
Too many lives to lead and not enough time

It’s too late
She’s gone too far
She’s lost the sun

She’s come undun
Doe-doe-doe-doe-doe doe un doe-doe-doe un doe-doe-doe
Doe doe-doe-doe-doe un doe-doe-doe doe-doe-doe
Doe doe-doe-doe doe doe-doe-doe doe doe

—— flute ——

It’s too late
She’s gone too far
She’s lost the sun

She’s come undun
She didn’t know what she was headed for
And when I found what she was headed for
It was too late

She’s come undun
She found a mountain that was far too high
And when she found out she couldn’t fly
Mama, it was too late

It’s too late
She’s gone too far
She’s lost the sun

She’s come undun
No no-no-no-no-no no
Doe doe doe-do

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLMF5GM0Kt8 

How undone I am feeling reminded me of this song and so I went to look for it on the ‘net. I had NO idea it was spelled like that, and I love to spell FUNeticklee (phonetically) so it was an extra kick to find this. My mom, who taught me my ABC’s BEFORE I was even 6 months old, had a considerable vocabulary installed in me as a toddler. I loved to hear her tell stories of what a sponge for learning I was and how quickly I GOT SMART. She was not as tickled about my FUN with FUNETIX, she taught me well you see.

Oh Lord, what happened to me since then!?  That was often my response, she didn’t like that either. She worked her WHOLE LIFE on reassuring me, comforting me and literally begging me to have confidence in myself. I wish I had worked as hard as she did on this character flaw, and MANY other things of course. Ah, regret, it sucks. I miss my mom.